10 Things You Can Do Today to Grow in Self-Love and Self-Esteem
It started out as a normal day, that day of going to church and then visiting with a friend, but a few hours later, my kids were running for help because I had started speaking total gibberish. The words coming out of my mouth made no sense at all. After months and months of pushing against the fact that my brain is not really healing, and that I would not be able to return to work, I had to face the fact that this is how my life might be for a long while. That required me to take a good, long look at my life. And what I saw was It actually wasn't really great. I saw a woman who had struggled her whole life with weight, with finances, with relationships, anxiety and depression. I saw a woman who felt like a total failure, a complete loser. I didn't like this woman. I was mad at her and I was ashamed to be her. And I knew that that had to STOP because self-loathing was not going to help me shake off depression and victim mentality. It was not going to help me fix my problems. So I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on changing the way I see myself. And that work has paid off big time! Today, I can honestly say that I love myself. I love being me and I’m proud of myself for all the things I have accomplished even if life didn’t turn out the way that I had hoped. And that’s what I want to share with you. Here are the 10 things that have helped me to grow in love and acceptance of myself which has affected every part of my life in wonderful ways.
#1 I gave myself a reality check. I was so bogged down in depression and feeling the weight of life pressing down on me that I had forgotten all of the good things about me. But because I felt like such a loser, it was really hard to find great things about me, so I set out to find evidence that showed how amazing I am. I remembered that a long time ago, a friend of mine had challenged me to write down 100 things that I have accomplished in my life. 100! She said that it could be anything big or small. If I did it, it counted. Big things like leaving my abusive husband counted. And even little things like learning to walk or graduating from high school (which really isn’t such a little thing) counted. So I got a paper out and started writing. 100 is a lot. Like a lot, but I managed to come up with them all. What did this do for me? It got me thinking. Hmmmm. Maybe I’m not such a loser after all. Yeah, there are a few big things in my life that haven’t gone well, but look at this list. It’s not too shabby. I’ve done a lot of things that I can feel really proud of.
And that takes me to #2 I needed to own my strength. I took about 5 things from my list of accomplishments and I honed in on them to really see what those accomplishments said about me. Here’s the format I used. Remember when I ___________________? And I filled in this blank with something really hard that I overcame or accomplished. Even though ______________________. And I filled this blank with what was hard about that challenging thing. And the last part is … I did it! That just proves _______ and I filled this last blank in with the really good things that this accomplishment said about me. Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean. Here’s one … Remember when I taught English to middle schoolers in South Central LA? Even though I was a brand new teacher and the school was new so I didn’t have a mentor, I didn’t have books, I didn’t even have a curriculum to follow. I had no idea what I was doing. I did it! That just proves that I am innovative, capable, and totally able to take on a difficult challenge. Ok. Here’s another one. Remember when I worked on a fish processing boat in Alaska for a summer? Even though it was freezing and gross work gutting fish and I hate fish and lots of people bailed mid-way through? I did it! That just proves that I am tough. I am a hard worker and I am adventurous and not afraid to take a risk. See how uplifting this can be?
What did this do for me? It gave me further proof that I’m not a loser and it didn’t just list accomplishments, but it helped me to identify positive traits that I have. I filled these three things out for each of the 5 big accomplishments that I chose from my list. And it was such a confidence booster, that I have incorporated this practice into my daily journal because I have found that I need consistent reminders like this to keep me pumped up and positive. I’ll share that daily journal in an upcoming video. Which might be a good time to encourage you to subscribe and enable notifications so you’ll be in the know when I post more videos.
#3 I got a different perspective. Sometimes it’s really hard for us to see what is great about ourselves, so we can enlist the help of others to give us a perspective shift. The friend I mentioned earlier also challenged me to reach out to 10 people and ask them to send me a note sharing something about me that they admired or appreciated about me. That was a little weird to do, but it was really eye-opening. And my friends and family were happy to do it. I took this a step further by adding a spiritual element to the assignment and I asked my Father in Heaven what He thought about me. I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but you can do this by using whatever higher power you connect to. I did this by writing a letter to myself of what I imagined my Heavenly Father would say to me. What has this done for me? This was a very tender and happy experience. I can’t begin to describe how much this encouraged and lifted me. Connecting to your higher power and looking at what others see and think about you is very powerful. And helpful.
#4 I moved my body more. Because I have a very sedentary life of resting my brain a lot, sitting at a computer to do work, or just sitting a lot, period, I knew that I needed to move more to get all of those happy chemicals that come with exercise flowing more for me. This is somewhat of a challenge for me right now because I have a torn meniscus so my knee does not like to bend. Because I shift my body around to accommodate for a non-bending knee, it puts more pressure on my other knee and my hips. Yay! So exercising is a problem. I first started by dancing around my kitchen, but the knees weren’t happy with that so much, so I now spend time on this elliptical looking thing that doesn’t cause me to bend my knee, it just swings back and forth. I’m not trying to be on that thing for hours on end and my purpose is really not for weight loss, although that is an added benefit. This is just for my own mental health and sense of wellbeing. I am very overweight, so right now, I’m only doing 15 minutes a day while I watch a tv show. I will add more time as my legs adjust and get stronger. What has this done for me? I feel happier and I feel glad to being taking care of myself more. Just a little bit of extra movement in the day really does make a difference.
#5 I hug it out. And I don’t mean hugging other people, I mean hugging myself. I learned the butterfly hug from my therapist. It looks like this. And you can alternate tapping your hands on each side. On top of feeling amazing to give yourself a hug, the tapping calms the brain down and helps you to regulate your nervous system. I will be talking more about the amazing things that regulating your nervous system does for you in a future video too, but for now, I just have to say that this practice has made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. What I do is, right when I lay down in bed for the night, I give myself a butterfly hug and I mentally recite the things that I accomplished that day and give myself props for good decisions I made or anything else that made me feel happy that day. It is also very relaxing and helps me fall asleep faster.
#6 I did a thought inventory. It occurred to me that maybe my thoughts had run amuck, probably for years and I needed to get in touch with them and in control of them. So I did this thought inventory by using a technique I read about in some self-help book years ago. What you do is … anytime a negative thought pops into your head or out of your mouth, you end it with the words “and the sky is blue”. It seems weird, but really the whole point is to just start paying attention to your thoughts and acknowledging them. It’s hard to change something that we aren’t even aware of, so this step gets us back in touch with what’s going on in our melons. So this is how you do it. Let’s say that I laughed at the really wrong time during a business meeting and thought to myself. Well that was stupid! Then I would think “and the sky is blue. Or maybe I passed by the mirror and rolled my eyes up when I saw my image because I felt angry at how my body looks, I would roll my eyes then say “and the sky is blue”. One last one. What if I was trying to console my kid and ended up just pissing them off. This is a real thing for me right now because I have 3 teenagers. So I walk away from the conversation thinking, Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just listen and give her a hug. I’m a terrible mom! … you know what comes next … and the sky is blue. When I did this, I was completely shocked by how much negativity I was throwing in my own direction every single day. Whoa! No wonder I didn’t feel good about myself. I was beating myself up all day.
Now that I was more aware of my thoughts, #7 I needed to start challenging them. So instead of saying “and the sky is blue”, I started asking, “really? Is that really true? Is that really a thought that helps me feel good about myself? Is that really a thought that helps the situation?” If I had time, I would give myself a minute to ponder … where is that ugliness coming from? What am I really feeling? And then give myself to just feel the feels. Let myself feel disappointment or hurt or anger or frustration or whatever I’m really feeling. I have found that when I do this, without ugly words of judgement, I just allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling, the feeling very quickly passes usually because I realize that maybe I was over-reacting or maybe I didn’t really feel that way, I just said that negative thing out of habit. Or maybe I had a couple of seconds to see the other person’s perspective. So much good stuff can happen when we take the time to challenge our thoughts and let our feelings have space to be felt. And that takes me to
#8 I release my feelings and negative beliefs. Sometimes, actually regularly when I challenge my thoughts, I tap into something deeper that is bugging me. I have learned to heed my body’s and my mind’s cues when it is telling me that there is something that needs to be addressed. If it’s something that is kind of nagging away at me or I feel emotional when I think or say it … that means that I need to spend some time with it and release that feeling and / or negative belief. My therapist taught me EFT tapping and it is AMAZING. I won’t go into a long description of what that is now and I will say that I had kinda learned about this practice a few years ago, but dismissed it as too woo-woo, you know, out there. But holy cow, if I had only gotten over myself back then and tried it. It just would have helped so much like it is helping me now. There is a lady here on Youtube that I have found who has amazing videos that guide you through tapping sessions. Her focus is on body image and weight, but she hits other core beliefs like abandonment and guilt. You don’t really need to know anything about tapping, though she does explain here and there in her videos, you just let her video play and follow along. I know that you will be surprised at the emotional release and peace that you will feel when you do it. It has been absolutely life changing for me. Things that I have worked for years to get over through counseling and self-improvement have been resolved in just one or two sessions of tapping. Basically you say a setup statement about whatever it is you are feeling and then you tap gently on different points on your body as you talk it out. I do tapping on my own sometimes, but I still watch Maria’s videos almost daily because she has a beautiful way of expressing things that I don’t even know I’m thinking or feeling until she says them. This is good stuff. I will put a link to her videos below.
#9 I changed my beliefs. Through doing the activities that I have described so far, I discovered tons of negative beliefs about myself that needed altering. I use tapping to address those beliefs, but I also have been using hypnotherapy and guided meditation. Again, I know that you might be thinking that these things are woo-woo, out there, too weird … well because that’s what I thought. But it really isn’t weird, it’s just tapping into your sub-conscious and clearing out junk that’s piled up and is dragging you down. There is another lady that I found here on youtube that has a voice like butter, so relaxing. And she also has a wonderful way of expressing exactly the things that I need to hear. I also have incorporated this practice into my daily routine, because I personally have a whole mess of trauma and negative beliefs and life gunk that I am still working on processing through. Again. Really good stuff.
And #10 I learned to love my body. A huge part of loving yourself is not just loving who you are as a person, but it’s loving all of you and that’s your body too. I know that most of us are not thrilled with parts of or all of our bodies. It’s kinda hard to do that when we are constantly bombarded with tv, social media and other places sending us constant messages that we’re not good enough and we need to fix ourselves somehow. For me this has been a major, major problem that I am still working on, but I have made huge progress with.
I hope that these tips have given you some ideas about what you can do to feel better about yourself and love yourself for who you are.
Stay Positive and Take Care!
😊 Karoline
